Tri Nations Rugby twitter wrap and Irish Magners League highlights

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Return to form revolution in rugby cheating? smug coach tries superb attack miraculous comebacks record setting Ritchie McCaw unstoppable?

Quade Cooper contract negotiations hammering in the press last minute elation last minute despair Building for the World cup? exciting youth

Radical reversal in form paranoia foot in mouth media skills aging team leaky defence odd selections Fourie du Preez critically important

That’s the Twitter summary of the Trinations, you guess which tweet applies to which team. Rearrange the words in the first tweet to suit your view.

Best newcomer Awards:

Wallabies – Curtly Beale take a bow – but not when they pass you the ball

All Blacks – Israel Dagg, Kieran Reid, almost anyone they put on the pitch

Springboks – Francois Hougaard – but did playing with geriatrics make him look good?

Team outlooks

All Blacks – futures so bright they have to wear shades

Wallabies – still building for the future – must be quite a building at this stage

Springboks – future looks All Black, very All Black

Any complaints? The tournament seems to take forever when your team is losing.

Magners League

On Irish telly:

Friday Sep 17
Ulster v Edinburgh, ML, BBC2/RTE2, 20:05
SAT SEP 18
BEN TREVISO v LEINSTER, ML, TG4, 18:05
Munster v Ospreys, ML, RTE2, 20:00

Ulster are unbeaten so far, Edinburgh can’t buy a win so Ulster look to have this in the bag but there’s nothing like a bit of desperation to turn your form around.

Leinster were a bit too Jekyll and Hyde for my liking last week , excellent for 20 minutes – bookending 60 minutes of dross. Surely this will be an extended training run though.

Munster are going up the gears, fairly dodgy looking last week but can only improve as the internationals return. The Ospreys, the glamour boys of Wales are looking for consistency but are unlikely to achieve the consistency they want against Munster at home.

Tri Nations - the one that got away for the Wallabies and Leinster start to get going

“You should have seen it, it was black and this blaaady big ( spreads arms as wide as he can)” For the second time in three weeks the Wallabies got achingly close to hooking a big one then saw it slip away right at the end. The All Blacks don’t know when they’re beaten, and this make shift bunch, resting on their laurels, still had too much gas in the tank for the Wallabies, even away from home. That slick black juggernaut turns wallabies and springboks into roadkill all too easily. There will be those out there bleating about the All Blacks peaking between World Cups, while at the same time praying it’s going to be someone else’s team that does the dirty on the All Blacks. These guys are the real deal, and to paraphrase ex Sharks coach Dick Muir ‘It’s going to take a sniper to stop them’


It was a great match to watch, top quality stuff, if you were going to be picky Giteau’s kicking was the only low point of the match. Aaron Crudden is still quite a way off the pace of international rugby but that didn’t seem to hurt the AB’s too badly did it? The Wallabies kind of ran out of steam in the last quarter, much as the Boks did last week. The rise and rise of the mighty All Blacks continues, first unbeaten team in the current 3N formation, record 10 wins in a row over the Wallabies.

Magner’s League

Munster will a little scratchy in their win over Edinburgh and it took some old heads to steady the ship and guide them home, with O’Gara kicking the winning penalty.

At the RDS, Leinster had a few scratchy moments of their own, winning 32-23 over the Cardiff Blues in a score that flattered them. Ian Madigan had an unexpected run on debut as Jonny Sextoin pulled up injured in the warm up, and acquitted himself pretty well, rounding it off with a beautiful try at the end. Leinster ran in two trys early on and looked like they were going to run away with it, then basked in their glory and let Cardiff right back into it. Joel Schimdt must have been sweating there a bit as Cardiff took the lead, before Leinster woke up and sealed the deal.


The front row of Ross, Strauss and van der Merwe had a great night, and Fitzgerald look lively, there is going to be great competition for places in the back line this season. Isa Nacewa was sublime, putting in rib crunching tackles, covering and kicking well and a threat with ball in hand. I’ll have to check the replay to make sure there was only one of him playing. All the replacements, especially Reddan were good value, but Fogarty is going to have a battle on his hands to nail down the hooker position – does he need contact lenses to help throw straight?

A few kinks to iron out still, but the Leinster motor is beginning to hum again.

Tri Nations Finale - Desperate attempt to talk up a dead rubber plus Irish Magners League in extreme brief

Photo from http://www.flickr.com/photos/rugbyhair/4425632748/

The Tri Nations 2010 wraps up on Saturday as the All Blacks take on the Wallabies. The All Blacks and the Wallabies, having joined forces to inflict a vicious tag team assault on the Springboks, to conspire with referees, to ridicule their coach ( well I may have done a bit of that myself), and worst of all to hurt their feelings, now turn on each other.


The All Blacks have already won the Tri Nations, the Bledisloe Cup, and by a clear margin the smuggest team of the tournament. The Wallabies have at least managed to scrape into second place leaving the Boks on the bottom of heap, battered, embittered, injured and receiving counselling ( apart from those that are suspended or sectioned under the mental health act). Not that I’m bitter or anything. It’ll actually be a relief to watch a Tri Nations match where the Springboks aren’t playing funny buggers and annoying the living daylights out of me.

The AB’s have wisely gone with a young fresh looking team to widen their talent pool and get more back up depth sorted out. Only the ball boys are younger than the Wallabies at the moment so no changes for them apart Drew Mitchell who drops out through injury. The AB’s are supremely confident, but no Dan Carter, lots of young players, overconfidence, earthquakes at home and playing away spells trouble to me so I’m going with the Wallabies by 5.

Here are the teams if you’re interested:

http://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby/all-blacks/4110697/Dagg-Vito-Cruden-handed-All-Blacks-starting-spots

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/rugby/news/article.cfm?c_id=80&objectid=10672222

Magners League on TV

Edinburgh v Munster TG4, 19:05 (Fri)

Leinster U Cardiff Blues RTE2, 18:30 (Sat)

It’s a pretty handy looking Leinster team hoping to redeem themselves after last week's damp squib, good to see BOD back in action in the run on team.

LEINSTER:
15: Luke Fitzgerald 14: Shane Horgan 13: Brian O’Driscoll 12: Fergus McFadden 11: Isa Nacewa 10: Jonathan Sexton 9: Isaac Boss 1: Heinke van der Merwe 2: Richardt Strauss 3: Mike Ross 4: Nathan Hines 5: Ed O’Donoghue 6: Sean O’Brien 7: Shane Jennings CAPTAIN 8: Jamie Heaslip REPLACEMENTS: 16: John Fogarty 17: Cian Healy 18: Simon Shawe 19: Mariano Galarza 20: Dominic Ryan 21: Eoin Reddan 22: Ian Madigan 23: Eoin O’Malley

Munster are also looking pretty strong and should come up trumps against Edinburgh (although the Scots are making an irritating habit of pooping Ireland’s party).

Munster: F Jones; D Howlett, J Murphy, S Tuitupou, I Dowling; P Warwick, P Stringer; W du Preez, D Varley, T Buckley; D Ryan, M O'Driscoll; A Quinlan, N Ronan, D Leamy capt. Replacements: D Fogarty, M Horan, J hayes, D O'Callaghan, P O'Mahony, T O'Leary, R O'Gara, D Barnes.

Tri Nations 2010 – Springboks invent aromavision

Before I begin, something more important than rugby, I’m sure all our thoughts are with the people of Christchurch as they recover from that devastating earthquake.
Now to the last Tri Nations match of 2010 for the Boks, where the Springboks have managed to surge ahead in the technology stakes. The history of broadcasting has been marked by jumps in technology – radio to black and white TV, black and white to colour, then HD came along and 3D is the latest innovation. That was until this weekend when the Springboks unleashed aromavision, yes you could clearly smell their performance even in all the way away in Ireland. There is an eloquent Afrikaans word that describes the Springboks right now, and it’s ‘kak’. Even the English speakers among us may not need a translation when I tell you their preparation was kak, their team selection was kak ( what did Frans Steyn do apart form scowl magnificently?), their attitude was kak, their coach is kak, their defense was EXTREMELY kak, the commentary courtesy of Bobby Skinstad was kak… have I left anything out? Of course , their tactics, which in a word were…? Kak! Why not kick it into the crowd if you have to kick it out?

The crowd should have started booing them after 5 minutes, instead of after half an hour. Yes I know, they played well in patches, there were a few performances not covered in poo, Gurthro Steenkamp was immense for instance, Jean de Villiers scored a sublime try which almost but not quite makes up for his slack defense, and Victor Matfields break and chip and catch were from another planet.

The Aussies beefed up their pack, gave the ball a bit of air and were in complete and utter control for the first half hour, playing exciting, flowing nearly unstoppable rugby. They have blooded a new set of young players and the future looks bright for them.

As for the Boks,I have to say I breathed a sigh of relief as Wayne Barnes blew his whistle and flushed the 2010 season away for the Boks. A season to forget.

Magners’ League

Leinster got the weekend off to a poor start with a narrow loss to Glasgow, while the other three provinces all managed to come up trumps in their matches. It’s great to have the matches on Irish telly, but as I discovered, you still have to remember to watch them. Note to self – must do better.

Tri Nations Rugby - Last chance saloon for the Boks and Wallabies, and Magners League kicks off.

This is last chance saloon for both Pieter De Villiers and Robbie Deans. The Tri Nations tournament is long gone to the All Blacks, all that’s left is the bitter pill of fighting over second place, which a win by either side should wrap up this weekend. Pieter De Villiers feels right at home in this saloon, his cowboy credentials are well established and for him it’s 2008 all over again when one surprise win in New Zealand was followed by a disastrous run of defeats, until the Boks produced a bacon saving win over the Aussies in their final Tri Nations match that year. He has sufficiently lowered people’s expectations this year that a loss may still not be enough for him to get the heave, unless he in untypical fashion lets his mouth get him into trouble.

‘Dingo’ Deans is himself now no stranger to the last chance saloon, his fine pedigree with Canterbury is but a faint memory at this stage. He is ‘getting tough’ http://www.smh.com.au/rugby-union/union-news/deans-lays-down-the-law-harden-up-or-forget-2011-world-cup-20100830-147fn.html with his players but they’d have to be a complete of idiots (which they’re not) to realize that he can talk as tough as he wants but in with few exceptions this is it baby, there’s no one else to choose from. Quade ‘Show me the moneyyyy!’ Cooper http://www.smh.com.au/rugby-union/union-news/relaxed-cooper-in-no-hurry-to-decide-his-future-20100826-13ua4.html  is not coming up with the goods , nor is anyone really. He must fume as he watches the Boks squander their rich resources, if all the expat SA players were to return half of the French and English league teams would struggle to field a side.

Bloemfontein is the setting for the match, there is the altitude, it’s a hard place for the Aussies to feel at home in and they are fighting their own demons with the press and the public on their backs. They are as desperate as anything to get themselves back on track, missed out narrowly last weekend, and have made a few improvements in their team. My feeling is that they are going to pull one out of the fire, so Aussies by 2.

Magners League
Wey hey, rugby makes a welcome return to the North with the Magners league on Friday night.

Leinster take on Glasgow at Firhill and it’s on Irish telly without having to pay another sub! This is a strongish Leinster team taking on a pretty depleted Scot side, so come on Leinster show us what you got! The Man City of the Magners League © Ulster entertain the Ospreys at Ravenhill. Be interesting to see the Springbok influence on the match day 15, and could be close at that’s not an Osprey 1st team by any means. On Saturday Munster take on Aironi at Musgrave, I’m tring to avoid sterotypes so won’t mention pasta, and will be looking forward to seeing Denis Leamy and Johne Murphy. Finally Connacht will be hoping to take last seasons momentum into their match against the Dragons.

Tri Nations Rugby Boks squeak in and Irish round up

Photo from http://www.flickr.com/photos/tasman/2640241183/

From the bottom of the ruck can exclusively reveal that after intensive half an hour research that Pieter De Villiers and Robbie Deans hatched a conspiracy to give the All Blacks easy wins and make them massively overconfident for next years world cup and set them up for a big fall.The fallout from this explosive revelation could rival that of the cheating Pakistan cricketers, and will probably make a few internet headlines whatever happens.

To continue maintaining the illusion that the All Blacks are far and away the best team in the world at the moment, Australia and South Africa played out a 9 try “thriller” leading to speculation that neither side knew who was supposed to win.

Pieter De Villiers and Robbie Deans are thought to have been overheard after the match at Loftus:

Pieter: “Do you think they’ll catch us?”
Robbie: “Naah”
Pieter: “Did you see their faces in New Zealand when I claimed there was a conspiracy? Little did they know!”
Robbie: “My performance review might a little tricky this year”
Pieter: “What’s a performance review?”
Robbie: “It’s a review of my performance by the NZRU every year.”
Pieter: “Don’t you mean the ARU?”
Robbie “Yeah, whatever”

OK, enough messing around, time for the serious match review.

After wandering for 40 days and 40 nights in the desert, verily it did come to pass that the Bok that used to be known for spring but doth only gently hop now managed to trip a passing Wallaby. In fairness, in terms of the Bokke’s recent results it was a thrashing and a big turn up to produce decent performances two weeks in a row. It was probably also a golden opportunity spurned by the Wallabies to get that monkey off their back and record a win on the Highveld (a monkey on the back of a Wallaby?).

Pieter De Villiers neck is probably safe again but Robbie Deans’ collar will be starting to feel uncomfortably tight. The defense coaches are surely going to get the sack after this 9 try extravaganza. And the gallows builders will be testing the trap for Habana who looks like he should be afforded some well deserved R and R for about 6 months.

For the Boks, sending out a different team every week is hardly going to help the defense. Last week’s combo, Habana aside, looked like the right mixture of youth and experience and should have been stuck with. For the Aussies, it’s one that got away, but a big step up from last year.

Curtly Beale had a good match and James O’Connor had the knack of being in the right place at the right time. Adam Ashley Cooper has taken the ‘When in Rome…’ approach by sporting a beard.

For the Boks it was fitting that Victor’s centenary was celebrated with a win, Juan Smith is a revelation, and Francois Hougaard grows in stature with each match.

Next week it’s all going to come down to the wire – it’ll be a season defining match to see who’s going to clinch second spot – it actually feels more like a fight for 3rd and 4th, the AB’s are that far ahead at the moment.

In Ireland, catch Harpin on Rugby  http://www.harpinonrugby.net/ for some innovative thinking on summer rugby and a nifty guide to rugby on TV, and 99Call  http://ninetyninecall.wordpress.com/
has some fab photos of Munster.

Springboks and Wallabies - desperate battle of the wooden spoon

15 Frans Steyn, 14 JP Pietersen, 13 Jaque Fourie, 12 Jean de Villiers, 11 Bryan Habana, 10 Morné Steyn, 9 Francois Hougaard, 8 Pierre Spies, 7 Juan Smith, 6 Schalk Burger, 5 Victor Matfield, 4 Flip van der Merwe, 3 Jannie du Plessis, 2 John Smit (capt), 1 Gurthrö Steenkamp. Reserves: 16 Chiliboy Ralepelle, 17 CJ van der Linde, 18 Danie Rossouw, 19 Ryan Kankowski, 20 Ricky Januarie, 21 Butch James, 22 Juan de Jongh.

This is the Bok teams for the Test against the Wallabies. It’s going to be a pretty desperate match as the Boks try and hand the wooden spoon currently in their grasp back to the Australians. South Africa can’t buy a win at the moment (hey that’s an idea, get the refs agent on the phone. He doesn’t have an agent?) and there will be 15 massively frustrated massive men on the field on this Saturday. Are the Boks going to be able to pick themselves up after the gut wrenching loss last weekend? Will Victor Matfield be the victor on his hundredth cap? And will Francois Hougaard get rid of that awful mullet he’s sporting? These are all deep, difficult questions to answer. And it’s safe to say that Hougaards hair will remain untouched for another week.

For me, I think it’s important to look at each coaches tactics for the weekend. Not for the game, but for the post match excuses if they lose. Deans is likely to run with his tried and tested ‘We’re building for the World Cup’. It’s served him well in the past, but the opposition (the press) have this one sussed now so he may have to come up something more creative. If I was him, I’d blame Cooper. That little upstart probably has all the Aussies feeling like they are hard down by with their salaries now. They may go on strike before the match.

De Villiers is a bit harder to predict, he could literally say anything. ‘Conspiracy’ was his initial gambit, followed by a bit of self deprecating( but spot on) humour by calling himself a clown. This is from 2008 “The same people who threw their robes on the ground when Jesus rode on a donkey were the same people who crowned him and hit him with sticks and stuff like that, and were the same people who said afterwards how we shouldn't have done that, he's the son of God," de Villiers said. "So that's exactly what we do. You have to look at history is repeating itself, and I'm not saying that I'm God."

I have to bow down to the master and admit he will come out with something better than I ever will.

So who’s going to win? For the Boks Frans Steyn and Jaque Fourie make their returns after suspensions and French adventures have been overcome, adding a bit of welcome class and experience to the side. South Africa looked much better last weekend – it would be good to see them run with the ball, but at this stage as a supporter of the Bokke I would take any kind of win they could deliver, big small, boring, just don’t lose this one.

The Wallabies will have money man game breaker Cooper back, they are one up over the Boks, and are one smart team – how they manage to compete at this level with their player resources is a mystery. They also looked pretty decent against the AB’s in the last match.

But as I’m hoping somewhat against my better judgment that the Boks turned a corner last weekend  and I’m going with them for a 5 point win.

All Blacks supernaturally good as they down the Springboks and Leinster/Wasps round up

Photo from http://www.flickr.com/photos/39486662@N03/3638308782/

John Smit, on the occasion of his 100th cap, sank down on one knee at the end of the match and put his head in his hands. I knew how he felt. The problem is, in the build up to the game, the Boks had been studying the rugby manual instead of ‘Tales of the Supernatural’ which is where their attention should have been focused. When the black beast is down, cut it’s head off, stuff it’s neck with garlic and drive a silver stake through it’s heart. It’s all very well coming to us after the match and telling us you forgot to bring your silver stake, but at this level, those kind of excuses just don’t wash.

Time for the Boks to hold to hold their hands up – they were beaten by a better team. There’s only one team in the world at the moment that could have beaten the Bok’s playing as well as they did and that’s the All Black’s. Every Bok tackle was of bone shuddering intensity, every man gave 110% and the Boks didn’t make more than a handful of mistakes, but they were all pounced upon and turned into points, as the AB’s ignored the altitude and finished much the stronger of the teams.

Their were many outstanding individual performances by the Boks, from Schalk Burger, Gio Aplon, Juan de Jongh, Juan Smith, and Francois Hougaard covered himself in glory. Morne Steyn fluffed his lines a few times, he’s not the complete player they need at 10 yet, and the substitutions on the whole were for less effective players.

For the AB’s, Ritchie McCaw was godlike, Dan Carter mixed it up brilliantly, Corey Jane and Nonu were outstanding and Weepu made a difference when he came on.

It’s all bow down to the new high kings of rugby.

Donnybrook Park was the venue as an understrength Leinster played host to a pretty strength Wasps. It was a friendly, but Wasps certainly look in impressive form going in to the season. Luke Fitzgerald was really sharp, he was a handful every time he got the ball. Sean O’Brien had a solid match, and Isa Nacewa put in a good few bone crunching tackles – there will be a couple of Wasps players still feeling their ribs. I though Trevor Hogan played well , and Heinke van der Merwe had a good solid start – he dropped the ball a couple of times, but I think he’s going to make a big impact, he’s not the biggest player but he’s awesomely strong. Isaac Boss made a difference when he came on.

For Wasps Tom Varndell looked dangerous and in fact the whole backline looks to be in tip top shape. Joe Simpson showed blistering place off the back of the ruck, and Riki Flutey is in good form. Finally in a special ceremony seven minutes before full time, Simon Shaw was presented with his 100th yellow card.

Tri Nations rugby - Boks to take another tumble?

Photo from http://www.flickr.com/photos/rugbytemp/4875832671/hoto

So these are the teams and a nicer bunch of guys you couldn’t want to meet. Except in an alley on a dark night.


This is the just about the best Bok team they could put out apart from injuries, suspensions, players in France, failed exorcisms, those detained for reasons of insanity and jail inmates. Francois Hougaard at 9 is my main worry – he’s a really good player – but it’s a big ask for a part timer ina specialist role. And big bad Jimmy Cowan is going to be all over him like a rash. A Kockott or a Duvenage has limitations, but has at least played against Cowen and Carter. Aplon is also a bit of a worry too, dynamite on attack but he’s short and could struggle under the high balls.

The All Blacks look typically savagely efficient but they aren’t ten foot tall, and they didn’t look too flash against Australia in the last match, especially in the second half. But in the form they’re in I glumly have to admit it’s unlikely the Boks are going to beat them. All Blacks by 10.

Boks: 15. Gio Aplon, 14. JP Pietersen, 13. Juan de Jongh, 12. Jean de Villiers, 11. Bryan Habana, 10. Morne Steyn, 9. Francois Hougaard, 8. Pierre Spies, 7. Juan Smith, 6. Schalk Burger, 5. Victor Matfield, 4. Flip van der Merwe, 3. Jannie du Plessis, 2. John Smit, 1. Gurthro Steenkamp

Bench: 16. Chiliboy Ralepelle, 17. CJ van der Linde, 18. Danie Rossouw, 19. Francois Louw, 20. Ricky Januarie, 21. Butch James, 22. Wynand Olivier

All Blacks: 15 Mils Muliaina, 14 Cory Jane, 13 Conrad Smith, 12 Ma'a Nonu, 11 Joe Rokocoko, 10 Daniel Carter, 9 Jimmy Cowan, 8 Kieran Read, 7 Richie McCaw (c), 6 Jerome Kaino, 5 Tom Donnelly, 4 Brad Thorn, 3 Ben Franks, 2 Keven Mealamu, 1 Tony Woodcock.

Bench: 16 Corey Flynn, 17 John Afoa, 18 Samuel Whitelock, 19 Victor Vito, 20 Piri Weepu, 21 Aaron Cruden, 22 Israel Dagg.

I caught a look at the new Ireland jersey in Lifestyle Sports at Dundrum, rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous like you do on a Tuesday night. The lable says it‘s blue curacao- new navy. I don’t think the graphic quite does it justice, my languages aren’t great, is curacao Portuguese for baby grower blue maybe?

I’m heading off on Friday to see the Leinster/Wasps match – I see Luke Fitzgerald is back, that’s great for Irish rugby.

Tri Nations rugby - Springboks vs All Blacks at Soccer City - LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

We’ve had the Rumble in the Jungle, the Thriller in Manila, now welcome to the ‘Shocker at the Soccer City’
Yes, Soccer City is the venue for the next leg of Tri Nations rugby, and what a stadium it is. It was the site of Nelson Mandela's first speech in Johannesburg after his release from prison. It had a fabulous upgrade for the world cup and is now the biggest stadium in Africa, able to seat 94 000 people.

It’s going to be 90 000 screaming Bok fans and probably a few hundred All Black fans enjoying what has to be one of the biggest contests in world rugby, the Springboks taking on the All Blacks.

Nigel Owens is the man in the middle – do the Welsh have anything against the Boks? Ask me next Sunday.

So is it going to be the All Blacks ‘bringing the pain’ or are the Springboks going to get biblical on their asses?

For the Boks the years have stripped back and once again they’re afraid of the dark, of the blackness the New Zealanders bring. Yup, it’s night lights all round again, hugging your teddy and waiting for dawn. The AB X-factor is back, and all of world rugby is scratching their heads again and asking ‘How do you beat the All Blacks?’.

Well, Heyneke Meyer, coach of the Bulls has some pretty good ideas here: http://www.rugby-talk.com/?p=16484

What I’m worried about is that with four weeks to twiddle his thumbs, Pieter de Villiers, a la Baldrick, has ‘Hatched a cunning plan’, which all Springbok fans will watch unfold in horrified fascination. Please don’t tell me they’re planning to play it ‘Loose and Funky’ to try and emulate the AB’s – when the Boks do that they look like a bear trying to breakdance.

This is way I see the match panning out if the Boks are going to win:  For the first 20 minutes, the Boks are each going to have enough adrenaline running through their veins to kill a horse – this is their manhood at stake after all. Hopefully this is directed and results in some points. The next forty minutes will be about defense, the AB’s need to feel like they’ve run into a brick wall each time they attack. Then the last 20 minutes will be about sealing the deal as the AB’s tire at altitude.

On the flipside, there is also a distinct possibility of this happening – the first 20 minutes sees a huge amount of energy expended by the Boks, to little or no effect. After soaking this up, New Zealand go on the rampage in the next 40 minutes and rack up enough points to defend in the last quarter, even if they are tiring.

Let’s see what the teams look like later in the week to see which is the liklier outcome.

If you're this side of the water, check out details of Leinster vs Wasps as a warm up this Friday: http://www.harpinonrugby.net/

Tri Nations Rugby - All Blacks, Springboks, Wallabies - mid term reports.

Photo from http://www.flickr.com/photos/48187790@N05/4831234556/

With the action taking a break this weekend, it’s time to do mid terms reports, find out who hasn’t been doing their homework, and who could do better.

Australia

Record: 1 win from 3 matches, have conceded the Bledisloe cup AGAIN and look to be fighting it out with South Africa for second. Consistency – we don’t do that. But beat South Africa and looked competent and competitive in their last match.

Coach watch – Robbie Deans ‘We are building for the World Cup’. Could prove controversial when he reveals it’s for the 2015 cup. The job seems to have aged him, could look older than Graham Henry by the end of the tournament.

Star player – David Pocock by a country mile.

Style watch – New yellow jersey looks like beach wear – could be contributing to wrong mind set? Saia Faingaa is working those braids. George Smith might want to mention to him that the greatest Springbok prize in his era was not the Tri- nations or the World Cup, but one of his braids.

New Zealand

Record: 4 from 4. Have laid waste to the competition like the four horsemen of the apocalypse (who probably wore black shirts as well). Showing off in fact. Equivalent of teacher’s pet to refs. Standard seem to have dropped marginally in last match. This team could be destined for greatness.

Coach watch – Graham Henry – Smug, moderately insufferable. Has assumed the mantle of the wise man, starting to resemble Yoda. Must be sniggering at Robbie Deans.

Star player – All star performers but no one is bigger than the team – aahh.

Style Watch – Black is the new Black. Owen Franks’ short hair must be the reason he was the only AB yellow carded – the ref saw him and thought ‘Thug’. May as well get ‘Thug’ tattooed on his forehead. Close up photos have revealed this is in fact the case.

South Africa

Record: 0 from 3. Abysmal. Obviously did no home work at all on the new break down rules. Looked old and sluggish. Won it last year, from hero to zero this year. COULD DO BETTER.

Coach watch – Pieter de Villiers - ‘Conspiracy!’ ‘Favouritism!’ ‘What I meant was…’ It WAS a conspiracy – Elvis told him. Borderline psychotic rants vastly more entertaining than watching the Boks.

Star player – I’m struggling here – could have been Danie Roussow had he not failed to make contact with McCaw.

Style watch – style free zone. Mullet is the hairstyle of choice, and beards are in, making Victor Matfield look 15 years older than he actually is. The coach’s ‘tache is the only thing more ridiculous than what comes out of his mouth.

All Blacks and Wallabies in no card shocker!

Photo from:http://www.flickr.com/photos/nznationalparty/3930212970/

Yes it’s taken 5 games of Tri Nations rugby, but the first card free final has finally arrived. You really have to question the commitment of the players when nobody’s sufficiently fired up to pilfer ceaselessly and illegally at the ruck, carry out a spear tackle or carelessly behead an opponent. Jonathan Kaplan, the somewhat cold referee from South Africa, found nobody motivated to enough to be awarded with a card.

The whole card situation leaves refs in a tricky situation, giving them little scope for expression. The IRB, in typical dictatorial nanny state style, has decreed that refs may only choose between a yellow or a red card. No flowery Hallmark or Forget-me-not cards for our refs, or even the ever popular Garfield card, to be used by the ref with a sense of humour (if there is one). No it’s just yellow or red.

A yellow card from a ref means ‘I’ve had my eye on you (no, not in that way). You’re a free spirited type, do it my own way, I don’t play by the rules kind of guy. I admire your boisterous commitment to the game, I’m sure that when you stood on his foot/hand/head it was purely an accident. You’re obviously red hot today, and way ahead of the others – let’s give them 10 minutes to catch up to you, OK.’

It’s every players dream to be noticed by the ref – some like Schalk Burger, grow their hair long and blonde to make it easier for them to stand out, while others, no matter how they try (eg Ritchie McCaw) have to be content with the ref shouting ‘Number 7!’ the whole time.

A red card from a ref means ‘Your continuous enthusiasm to obtain: the man of the match award/various not generally detachable body parts/a prison record leaves me with little choice but to hand you over to the autographs hunters before everybody else. Enjoy your well earned rest and an opportunity to shower before all the hot water’s gone.

Surely the IRB, in an attempt to improve the image of refs and make them seem more approachable, could introduce a range of new cards. There could be the green card for sportsmanship ( not likely to be used often but it’s the thought that counts), the silver card for the best hairstyle (sponsored by L’Oreal – because you’re worth it!) the pink card – ok maybe not a pink card, and of course for the IRB to disclose the secret card that all international refs carry, the all black card, which is Ritchie McCaws all time get of jail free card.

How was the match you ask? Well, the first half was a frenetic barnstorming affair, the All Blacks showing off their attacking flair while the Wallabies hurt them on the counter attack. By the time the second half rolled around both teams were so cream crackered that not much happened.

The Wallbies played much, much better, there was a bit of passing behind the player, not unexpected when you look at the backline changes, and Curtly Beal made a big impact. I’m looking to forward to seeing Cooper in action again, and where has Digby Ioane gone, that’s how they’ll unlock defenses.

The All Blacks were superb again, controlled and ruthless, solid in defense, there’s only one show in town at the moment and it’s colour is black.

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Wallabies v. All Blacks – Round 2 or what do the Wallabies have to do to beat the All Blacks?

Photo from http://www.flickr.com/photos/sam_herd/3029254804/

If had the ear of Robbie Deans ( and laying aside the fact I don’t quite have his coaching experience) I’d say to him ‘Robbie, or if I may call you Dingo…’ this is what you need to do to beat the All Blacks:

1. Take them on at their strengths. They like fast ball from the ruck – how about some s-l-o-w ball from the ruck. Drop overmuscled but underbrained Richard Brown, shift Rocky to 8th man, bring on another fetcher – is it Waugh, is it Smith, is it whoever, but two fetchers will slow the ruck down, while the All Black backline kick their heels and practice their swerves.

2. Kick intelligently and practice all week:

• Kick it out and steal the opposition ball from the line out (you might practice getting your own ball while you’re at it)

• Kick a few highly pressurized up-and-unders – I’ve seen Mils get the dropsies and The Rocket man bounce one off his noggin.

• If they know you’re going to run it each time that’s easy to defend so mix it up a little – and they find broken play running as hard to defend as you do.

3. Discipline discipline discipline - no more yellow cards

4. Practice receiving kick offs.

5. Fitness – hit them in the last 20 minutes when they start to tire like they did last week.

6. This is a bit underhand – but you want to win don’t you? Rough them up, be all over them like a rash, in their faces – I saw the Sharks do it to the Blues a few years ago, and in about 5 minutes flat BAM! notoriously short of fuse Troy Flavell was in the bin for trying to land a haymaker. The New Zealanders will see the funny side eventually. Probably.

7. Invade New Zealand. You have a big army, they have a little army. Simple really. They’ll never have the Bledisloe cup again because:

• Your army will take it

• It’ll be one country now, nobody to compete against

That’ll mean you’ll be hosting the World Cup next year, home advantage for a record three cups – sounding better all the time. Come on the All Wallabies! Robbie Deans will get all smug with Graham Henry – who got the better job now huh? HUH?

8. The Wallabies could claim there’s a refereeing conspiracy against them to drum up interest in the World Cup. Nah, that’s way to far fetched, that would just be silly.

There you go Robbie, spurn these pearls of wisdom at your peril.


So while I’m at it, a few sage words for Graham Henry:

1. Do exactly what you did last week

2. This is a golden opportunity with the Tri Nations practically wrapped up to try out a replacement for Achilles Heel (because there’s only one of him) play maker extraordinaire Dan Carter. Give Aaron Cruden a good go.

My prediction: well the All Blacks can’t play that well four Tri Nations matches in a row, but in Christchurch they aren’t going to lose so a 7 point win over the Wallabies.