A short guide to swearing etiquette for rugby telly viewers, and a preview of the rugby Autumn Internationals

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A short guide to swearing etiquette for rugby telly viewers

This is not be used in polite company or around small children.

Swearing is a healthy way of releasing tension and providing pain relief according to research.

I tend to find the necessity to swear is situation based, so we’ll start with the minor infringements and work our way up.

Your player drops a ball he should easily have caught, resulting in a scrum, or passes a ball to no one in particular, or misses a simple tackle. This depends where it is on the field. In the middle of the field, for a first offence, a simple exhortation to make a longer visit to the bathroom might suffice. This is also a handy opportunity to use ‘Bugger’, or perhaps ‘Idiot’. You may wonder if his parents were ever married. A second offence have you likening his mom to a lady dog, or speculating on his propensity for self abuse.

Committing this type of offense on your try line or the opposition try line would have you urging him to procreate, and comparisons between him and the private parts of a lady or gentleman would certainly be appropriate. Your fly half failing to kick the ball out on a penalty, or out on the full in general play, or missing an important kick at posts, would warrant a similar response.

Throwing a careless intercept pass which results in a try for the opposition would have you speculating on an unwholesome relationship between him and his mother. Further, urging him to procreate when he’s clearly an idiot is not necessarily the wisest thing to do, and forming such a mental image could be distasteful anyway.

The referee has his own rules. Obviously, when he’s blowing the other team, there’s no issue. A few penalties might have you wondering if he needs spectacles and urging him to make a longer visit to the bathroom. Frequent handing out of clearly unjustified penalties (despite the fact he’s on the pitch while you are hundreds of miles away in your living room) and you’d spare him no mercy, urging him to procreate and likening him to private or wobbly bits a definite.

I hope these few tips will soon have you making sailors blush with ease.

International Previews

Wales vs South Africa 14:30

Ireland vs Samoa 14:30

England vs Australia 14:30

Scotland vs New Zealand 17:15

Ireland vs Samoa

Ireland have made a number of changes to the squad. The Munster old firm at fly half and scrum half is re installed, and there are a few players getting a chance to stake their claim, of which I’m looking forward to seeing how Sean O’Brien, Paddy Wallace, Andrew Trimble and Denis Leamy get on. This is also a debut for sky scraper Devon Toner at lock. Ireland should win this comfortably, but I’m hoping they come into the game with the right attitude – Samoa are rated 11th in the world, so this is no micky mouse team. This is going to be a huge physical battle as well, with former player Brian ‘The Chiropractor’ Lima setting the standard for ferocious tackling. It’s a completely different team to the one beaten by Connacht mid week, very competent and mean looking. Hope we get to see Simon ‘The Beard’ Lemalu.

Ireland Team http://www.therugbyblog.co.uk/ireland-team-to-play-samoa

Samoa http://www.planetrugby.com/story/0,25883,16024_6500170,00.html

England vs Australia

England have made only one change to the side that put up a decent fight against the All Blacks, as Dylan Hartley comes into hooker. He sometimes struggles with his throwing, and also has a few disciplinary issues, but he’s a fiery player around the ground and likely to be in place for a long time.

England have a sniff of victory here – they have a strong scrum, the Aussies are said to have a weak scrum, can they turn that advantage to negate the Aussie backs? I don’t think the Aussie scrum is as bad as it’s cracked to be – and England aren’t fielding an exactly inspirational midfield either in terms of attacking firepower – where is Barkley? The return of Stephen Moore is a huge plus to Australia, for the scrums and the general play.

This match is going to come down to who wants it most, and who believes in themselves the most. On that basis, I’m going with the Aussies.

England Team http://www.planetrugby.com/story/0,25883,3556_6496672,00.html
Australian team http://www.therugbyblog.co.uk/australia-team-to-face-england

Wales vs South Africa

The South African beef rolls into Cardiff for a date at the Millennium Stadium with the Welsh. The Springboks have made only one change to the team that surprised the Irish last weekend, as Francois Steyn comes in center. This is a surprisingly logical sub from Pieter De Villiers, is he feeling alright? Wales won’t want to be giving away penalties in a 60m radius of the posts. Jean De Villiers doesn’t look fit, and is likely to come off – hopefully bringing Patrick Lambie into the game, to inject some much need flair and excitement into the back line.

This is going to be an awesome forward battle as this formidable and well balanced Springbok pack faces an equally formidable Welsh pack. The Boks weakness is in their limited backline attacking options, and the Welsh backline is better geared up to exploit this. Wales must be a frustrating side to support, they have so much potential but it doesn’t seem to come together all that often. They have the boost of Lee Byrne returning, also master poacher Martyn Wiliams, and have Hook back in midfield.

Again, this match is going to come down to who wants it most, and who believes in themselves the most, and for that reason again I’m going with the Boks as self belief is seldom their weak point. But if Wales really run at the Boks they will win.

Springbok Team http://www.planetrugby.com/story/0,25883,3561_6496801,00.html

Welsh team http://welshrugbyblog.co.uk/wales-team-vs-south-africa/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+WelshRugbyBlog+%28Welsh+Rugby+Blog%29

Scotland vs New Zealand

This is better scheduling for rugby fans, and an interesting looking match. The All Blacks are not firing all that smoothly at the moment, and will be missing Kevin Mealamu at hooker who obviously misunderstood Graham Henry’s instruction to use his head. They are still a formidable prospect, and the return of Cowan and starts for Messam, Smith Toeava strengthen the side if anything.

Scotland are a hugely tidy outfit themselves these days, and all the pieces are dropping into place – good coach, hugely competitive pack, good place kicker, and some pace and invention in the backline. I would so love to see this happen but I reckon the All Blacks are pull through.

Scotland team http://www.planetrugby.com/story/0,25883,3560_6496750,00.html

New Zealand team http://www.planetrugby.com/story/0,25883,16024_6499889,00.html

Tri Nations 2010 – Springboks invent aromavision

Before I begin, something more important than rugby, I’m sure all our thoughts are with the people of Christchurch as they recover from that devastating earthquake.
Now to the last Tri Nations match of 2010 for the Boks, where the Springboks have managed to surge ahead in the technology stakes. The history of broadcasting has been marked by jumps in technology – radio to black and white TV, black and white to colour, then HD came along and 3D is the latest innovation. That was until this weekend when the Springboks unleashed aromavision, yes you could clearly smell their performance even in all the way away in Ireland. There is an eloquent Afrikaans word that describes the Springboks right now, and it’s ‘kak’. Even the English speakers among us may not need a translation when I tell you their preparation was kak, their team selection was kak ( what did Frans Steyn do apart form scowl magnificently?), their attitude was kak, their coach is kak, their defense was EXTREMELY kak, the commentary courtesy of Bobby Skinstad was kak… have I left anything out? Of course , their tactics, which in a word were…? Kak! Why not kick it into the crowd if you have to kick it out?

The crowd should have started booing them after 5 minutes, instead of after half an hour. Yes I know, they played well in patches, there were a few performances not covered in poo, Gurthro Steenkamp was immense for instance, Jean de Villiers scored a sublime try which almost but not quite makes up for his slack defense, and Victor Matfields break and chip and catch were from another planet.

The Aussies beefed up their pack, gave the ball a bit of air and were in complete and utter control for the first half hour, playing exciting, flowing nearly unstoppable rugby. They have blooded a new set of young players and the future looks bright for them.

As for the Boks,I have to say I breathed a sigh of relief as Wayne Barnes blew his whistle and flushed the 2010 season away for the Boks. A season to forget.

Magners’ League

Leinster got the weekend off to a poor start with a narrow loss to Glasgow, while the other three provinces all managed to come up trumps in their matches. It’s great to have the matches on Irish telly, but as I discovered, you still have to remember to watch them. Note to self – must do better.

Tri Nations Rugby Boks squeak in and Irish round up

Photo from http://www.flickr.com/photos/tasman/2640241183/

From the bottom of the ruck can exclusively reveal that after intensive half an hour research that Pieter De Villiers and Robbie Deans hatched a conspiracy to give the All Blacks easy wins and make them massively overconfident for next years world cup and set them up for a big fall.The fallout from this explosive revelation could rival that of the cheating Pakistan cricketers, and will probably make a few internet headlines whatever happens.

To continue maintaining the illusion that the All Blacks are far and away the best team in the world at the moment, Australia and South Africa played out a 9 try “thriller” leading to speculation that neither side knew who was supposed to win.

Pieter De Villiers and Robbie Deans are thought to have been overheard after the match at Loftus:

Pieter: “Do you think they’ll catch us?”
Robbie: “Naah”
Pieter: “Did you see their faces in New Zealand when I claimed there was a conspiracy? Little did they know!”
Robbie: “My performance review might a little tricky this year”
Pieter: “What’s a performance review?”
Robbie: “It’s a review of my performance by the NZRU every year.”
Pieter: “Don’t you mean the ARU?”
Robbie “Yeah, whatever”

OK, enough messing around, time for the serious match review.

After wandering for 40 days and 40 nights in the desert, verily it did come to pass that the Bok that used to be known for spring but doth only gently hop now managed to trip a passing Wallaby. In fairness, in terms of the Bokke’s recent results it was a thrashing and a big turn up to produce decent performances two weeks in a row. It was probably also a golden opportunity spurned by the Wallabies to get that monkey off their back and record a win on the Highveld (a monkey on the back of a Wallaby?).

Pieter De Villiers neck is probably safe again but Robbie Deans’ collar will be starting to feel uncomfortably tight. The defense coaches are surely going to get the sack after this 9 try extravaganza. And the gallows builders will be testing the trap for Habana who looks like he should be afforded some well deserved R and R for about 6 months.

For the Boks, sending out a different team every week is hardly going to help the defense. Last week’s combo, Habana aside, looked like the right mixture of youth and experience and should have been stuck with. For the Aussies, it’s one that got away, but a big step up from last year.

Curtly Beale had a good match and James O’Connor had the knack of being in the right place at the right time. Adam Ashley Cooper has taken the ‘When in Rome…’ approach by sporting a beard.

For the Boks it was fitting that Victor’s centenary was celebrated with a win, Juan Smith is a revelation, and Francois Hougaard grows in stature with each match.

Next week it’s all going to come down to the wire – it’ll be a season defining match to see who’s going to clinch second spot – it actually feels more like a fight for 3rd and 4th, the AB’s are that far ahead at the moment.

In Ireland, catch Harpin on Rugby  http://www.harpinonrugby.net/ for some innovative thinking on summer rugby and a nifty guide to rugby on TV, and 99Call  http://ninetyninecall.wordpress.com/
has some fab photos of Munster.