A short guide to swearing etiquette for rugby telly viewers, and a preview of the rugby Autumn Internationals

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A short guide to swearing etiquette for rugby telly viewers

This is not be used in polite company or around small children.

Swearing is a healthy way of releasing tension and providing pain relief according to research.

I tend to find the necessity to swear is situation based, so we’ll start with the minor infringements and work our way up.

Your player drops a ball he should easily have caught, resulting in a scrum, or passes a ball to no one in particular, or misses a simple tackle. This depends where it is on the field. In the middle of the field, for a first offence, a simple exhortation to make a longer visit to the bathroom might suffice. This is also a handy opportunity to use ‘Bugger’, or perhaps ‘Idiot’. You may wonder if his parents were ever married. A second offence have you likening his mom to a lady dog, or speculating on his propensity for self abuse.

Committing this type of offense on your try line or the opposition try line would have you urging him to procreate, and comparisons between him and the private parts of a lady or gentleman would certainly be appropriate. Your fly half failing to kick the ball out on a penalty, or out on the full in general play, or missing an important kick at posts, would warrant a similar response.

Throwing a careless intercept pass which results in a try for the opposition would have you speculating on an unwholesome relationship between him and his mother. Further, urging him to procreate when he’s clearly an idiot is not necessarily the wisest thing to do, and forming such a mental image could be distasteful anyway.

The referee has his own rules. Obviously, when he’s blowing the other team, there’s no issue. A few penalties might have you wondering if he needs spectacles and urging him to make a longer visit to the bathroom. Frequent handing out of clearly unjustified penalties (despite the fact he’s on the pitch while you are hundreds of miles away in your living room) and you’d spare him no mercy, urging him to procreate and likening him to private or wobbly bits a definite.

I hope these few tips will soon have you making sailors blush with ease.

International Previews

Wales vs South Africa 14:30

Ireland vs Samoa 14:30

England vs Australia 14:30

Scotland vs New Zealand 17:15

Ireland vs Samoa

Ireland have made a number of changes to the squad. The Munster old firm at fly half and scrum half is re installed, and there are a few players getting a chance to stake their claim, of which I’m looking forward to seeing how Sean O’Brien, Paddy Wallace, Andrew Trimble and Denis Leamy get on. This is also a debut for sky scraper Devon Toner at lock. Ireland should win this comfortably, but I’m hoping they come into the game with the right attitude – Samoa are rated 11th in the world, so this is no micky mouse team. This is going to be a huge physical battle as well, with former player Brian ‘The Chiropractor’ Lima setting the standard for ferocious tackling. It’s a completely different team to the one beaten by Connacht mid week, very competent and mean looking. Hope we get to see Simon ‘The Beard’ Lemalu.

Ireland Team http://www.therugbyblog.co.uk/ireland-team-to-play-samoa

Samoa http://www.planetrugby.com/story/0,25883,16024_6500170,00.html

England vs Australia

England have made only one change to the side that put up a decent fight against the All Blacks, as Dylan Hartley comes into hooker. He sometimes struggles with his throwing, and also has a few disciplinary issues, but he’s a fiery player around the ground and likely to be in place for a long time.

England have a sniff of victory here – they have a strong scrum, the Aussies are said to have a weak scrum, can they turn that advantage to negate the Aussie backs? I don’t think the Aussie scrum is as bad as it’s cracked to be – and England aren’t fielding an exactly inspirational midfield either in terms of attacking firepower – where is Barkley? The return of Stephen Moore is a huge plus to Australia, for the scrums and the general play.

This match is going to come down to who wants it most, and who believes in themselves the most. On that basis, I’m going with the Aussies.

England Team http://www.planetrugby.com/story/0,25883,3556_6496672,00.html
Australian team http://www.therugbyblog.co.uk/australia-team-to-face-england

Wales vs South Africa

The South African beef rolls into Cardiff for a date at the Millennium Stadium with the Welsh. The Springboks have made only one change to the team that surprised the Irish last weekend, as Francois Steyn comes in center. This is a surprisingly logical sub from Pieter De Villiers, is he feeling alright? Wales won’t want to be giving away penalties in a 60m radius of the posts. Jean De Villiers doesn’t look fit, and is likely to come off – hopefully bringing Patrick Lambie into the game, to inject some much need flair and excitement into the back line.

This is going to be an awesome forward battle as this formidable and well balanced Springbok pack faces an equally formidable Welsh pack. The Boks weakness is in their limited backline attacking options, and the Welsh backline is better geared up to exploit this. Wales must be a frustrating side to support, they have so much potential but it doesn’t seem to come together all that often. They have the boost of Lee Byrne returning, also master poacher Martyn Wiliams, and have Hook back in midfield.

Again, this match is going to come down to who wants it most, and who believes in themselves the most, and for that reason again I’m going with the Boks as self belief is seldom their weak point. But if Wales really run at the Boks they will win.

Springbok Team http://www.planetrugby.com/story/0,25883,3561_6496801,00.html

Welsh team http://welshrugbyblog.co.uk/wales-team-vs-south-africa/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+WelshRugbyBlog+%28Welsh+Rugby+Blog%29

Scotland vs New Zealand

This is better scheduling for rugby fans, and an interesting looking match. The All Blacks are not firing all that smoothly at the moment, and will be missing Kevin Mealamu at hooker who obviously misunderstood Graham Henry’s instruction to use his head. They are still a formidable prospect, and the return of Cowan and starts for Messam, Smith Toeava strengthen the side if anything.

Scotland are a hugely tidy outfit themselves these days, and all the pieces are dropping into place – good coach, hugely competitive pack, good place kicker, and some pace and invention in the backline. I would so love to see this happen but I reckon the All Blacks are pull through.

Scotland team http://www.planetrugby.com/story/0,25883,3560_6496750,00.html

New Zealand team http://www.planetrugby.com/story/0,25883,16024_6499889,00.html